Get a Girlfriend - 5: Desired

Friendzone

I hope you know that under no circumstances should you become her best friend and then hope to become something more when you suddenly decide to start flirting - or even worse: I really hope you don't think that if you become her best friend, she will spontaneously decide to become your girlfriend when "she sees how great you are". The chances of that happening are lower than winning the national lottery twice in a row. The reason is simple: a girl needs to be sexually attracted to a guy to want him as a boyfriend and for girls that is much more psychological than for guys. They need to feel the chemistry, sparks must fly... and that is never going to happen with a friend.

Most men know what friendzone is and most men don't know who is it about, what happened, where did it happen, when did it happen, why did it happen, how did it happen... It's not about her, it's about you and it happened a lot sooner than you might think. Let's see what happened and why:

Friendzone is one of the main reason why many (most) men (who aren't flat out rejected on the spot) don't get the girl they are pursuing. "I only see you as a friend" is the sentence we dread the most. And yet lots of guys don't really understand why that happened. Either they don't even question it or they think that the girl prefers a different type of guys or that they simply weren't good enough for her. In reality, friendzone is much more complicated - even girls don't understand why they see you only as a friend, but they do and they are certain about it! Worst of all - it is all your own doing.

A woman's physical appearance is quite important for men. And we know exactly if a girl is attractive enough to be our girlfriend in the first five minutes. There are exceptions to this, but they are very rare.

As far as dating is concerned, there are three groups of people:

• unattractive: we tend to avoid any sex-related thoughts around them
• neutral: we don't feel anything special - neither the thought "I would never sleep with this person" nor the thought "I would like to sleep with this person" comes to mind
• attractive: the thought of sleeping with them comes to mind

I know it is not right to label people with numbers, but this is hard to describe with words. Let's say we rate the appearance on a 1 to 10 scale.

This is approximately what men think:

• appearance rated 1-4 is unattractive
• appearance rated 5-6 is neutral
• appearance rated 7-10 is attractive

This is approximately what women think:

• appearance rated 1 is unattractive
• appearance rated 2-9 is neutral
• appearance rated 10 is attractive

This is a very important difference. It means that when you are trying to seduce a girl, your outer appearance will have much less effect on her than her outer appearance has on you. You have to ask yourself, what would a neutral girl have to be like so that you would find her attractive? Intelligent and witty? How would a neutral girl have to behave so that you would dislike her? Annoying and selfish? What would a neutral girl have to be like so that you would like her company the same way you enjoy your male friends' company, but would never think of her sexually?

Here is an example:

Let's say that you meet a neutral girl and you start talking with her. You don't think about sleeping with her. Now the amount of time you want to spend with her simply depends on the conversation. Is it interesting? Do you like talking about the topic? Does she have a sense of humor? Is she intelligent? Does she listen to what you have to say? Is she expressing interest in your story you are so enthusiastically explaining? Are you two brainstorming great ideas? Does she share interest in your hobbies? In the end you decide on spending time with her the same way you would decide about a male friend. Let's go on: how would you react, if she gave you a sincere compliment, make you laugh and feel good about yourself? You are not attracted to her appearance, but you don't find her unattractive... You are attracted to her personality.

On the other hand - let's say you meet another neutral girl: what would you do, if she suddenly started to enthusiastically express her interest in you? Are you in a party and she is following you around? Are you talking to your friends and she is constantly looking at you? Does she want to talk with you no matter what, even about some very uninteresting topic like weather or politics? And even if you find something you can comment about, is she really listening to you? Or is she complaining about her problems in life? Is she badmouthing someone else? Does she seem like an unhappy, desperate person that only lights up when she is around you? Even if she seems full of good intentions and generally not a bad person, her actions begin to somewhat annoy you and you begin to avoid her and do not consider her your friend.

And now you meet another neutral girl: is she enthusiastically explaining about her day at work or her knitting club, but you have no interest in knitting or her work? Is she inviting you to join her knitting club? Does it seem like you two don't have much in common? Does she constantly offer to do favors for you? Did she bake cookies for you or made you another kind of gift? Does it seem like she is interested in you, but doesn't know how to show it? Does she seem shy and awkward about it? Is she avoiding the topic, like she knows that you don't find her very attractive? Is she "patiently" waiting for something to happen between you two? Even if her behavior doesn't bother you and you can't help but overlook her silliness, you are not and will never be attracted to her. Welcome to the friendzone!

Neutral is how most women view most men. You have to behave like the first girl (definitely not like the second). If you behave like the last girl, you will land in the friendzone - and that could have been easily avoided if you would've made her smile, show her a good time, made her feel good about herself, gave her a compliment, showed some courage and confidence and expressed your interest in a non-creepy way. She did not put you in the friendzone, you managed to do it on your own! As soon as you begin "waiting for the right moment" and acting like you don't want to "bother" her with flirting, it is too late. To avoid this: make her desire your company and make your move as soon as possible!

Desired

She won't make the first move, even if she would like to. (Most) women do this on purpose, not (only) because they are afraid. They want a man who has at least enough courage to make the first move. How else is he going to keep her safe? And yes, providing safety is a man's job. It was so when we were cavemen and thus it's encoded in women's genes. You will have to initiate everything and if she likes it, she will respond in kind.

Don't do anything to indicate that she can have you whenever she wants. I'm not saying you should play hard to get - as a diamond in a jewelry store, but you shouldn't be as easy to get as a grain of sand on the beach. Avoid things that make her lose interest and think of you as unworthy pursuit:

• when you are trying to please to hard (doing huge favors, ...)
• when you are too adaptable (never cancel something you already had planned, ...)
• when you apologize instantly for every little thing (try to justify yourself or her, act submissive)
• when you accept her every apology with "Of Course! Not a problem at all! Don't sweat it!"
• when you tune down a compliment she gave you with "Oh, it's nothing special!" (you don't appreciate it)
• when you shower her with compliments constantly (your compliments will lose their weight)
• when you behave like an enthusiastic puppy around her, invading her private space all the time (you linger, care too much, are too eager, too excited, look for approval)
• when you wait for her attention, staring, like someone pressed a pause button on you when she is on the phone or talking to a friend (you act awkward, needy)
• when you immediately agree with everything she says (you put her on a pedestal)
• when you beat around the bush (aren't direct)

If she is busy (talking on a phone, ...), it is better to act like you don't need her company, you have many friends like her already and you will leave any time now (if you are in a group). Your world should not revolve around her. It is very uncomfortable to feel like someone who is not your partner can't live without you.

Displaying confidence, courage, safety, strength, security will make you desirable. Do everything to make her feel desired, safe, relaxed, happy:

• when you are interesting to talk to (read a book, ...)
• when you show your passion for life (your projects, goals, ...)
• when you are excited about the world (talk openly about your goals with passion and motivation)
• when you have a positive outlook on the world - when you find something good in a bad situation
• when you give her a very thoughtful compliment (go into details to really show that you noticed)
• when you touch her gently and look her deep in the eyes
• when you smell nice
• when you are smiling and joking
• when you confidently stand behind your opinion
• when you act decisively and you take initiative
• when you act spontaneous (on dates, ...)
• when you act independent, not relying on others for every decision you make
• when you listen to her carefully and remember things that are important to her and show interest with further questions and attention to detail

Don't look for excuses, step up, be a man! Show strength that will give them a sense of security.

The Ben Franklin effect

Ben Franklin wrote about how doing a favor for someone makes us more attracted to that person. You might think that the opposite is true - that doing favors for people will make them like you. It will, but in a way you like your dish washer doing the dishes for you, your coffee maker making coffee for you, etc... They will like you more, but they will be less attracted to you... Instead, ask her to do a small favor for you, then thank her kindly for it. When she sees how grateful you are, she will feel better about herself and we all like people who make us feel better about ourselves.